THE 550 THINGS NOT TO SAY DURING SEX

These are just a few things out of the many, you don't want to hear, or say, during sex. Many of them are definite mood spoilers. If you hear any of these from YOUR partner, I would take it as a bad sign.

LET'S START:

1. I think your brown eye just spit at me.

2. I can’t decide who’s better in bed. Your mom or your dad.

3. This next move is how we farm boys make the pigs squeal.

4. You’re almost as much fun as a she-male.

5. The sex in prison was a lot better.

6. How many times do I have to do this to pass your class?

7. Your chest is almost as flat as mine.

8. Wear this foil hat so the aliens can’t scan your brain while we’re doing it.

9. Your web profile didn’t mention that you never bathe.

10. You should have washed your feet after walking barefoot through the pasture.

11. I’ll have to charge extra for the dwarfs.

12. Do I get my Jerry beads now?

13. Um… I think the students are back from recess.

14. Strap on. Strap off. Strap on. Strap off.

15. Wow! Your Doberman has a really cold nose.

16. Hurry! The commercials are almost over.

17. It’s obviously not true, what they say about big feet.

18. Put some banana chunks in there and watch me squeeze them out.

19. Are you even hitting the sides?

20. An Arab, a Jew, and a nun walk into a bar…

21. Mind if I play with your implants?

22. You’ll have to do the rest yourself. My penile implant is in the shop getting its annual tune-up.

23. Do you think I should start showering after having sex with other men?

24. Are you in yet? - Bitch, I’m already done!

25. My dog licks me way better.

26. Hey! Only grandpa's allowed to touch me there.

27. I got into tub-full-o-bugs sex when I was a guest on Fear Factor.

28. You'd better hurry! My husband just pulled up in his patrol car.

29. Oh Granny! The things you can do when you take your teeth out.

30. I love you…but in a (brother/sister)(killer/victim)(farmer/sheep)(priest/alterboy)(undertaker/cadaver) way.

31. Don’t mind the sores. I get them all the time and they go away after a few days.

32. You made up my mind. I’m going to become a nun.

33. What? Didn’t I mention that I’m a eunuch?

34. I’ve never met a man/woman before with three of these. I thought that everyone only has two.

35. I’m still having a hard time deciding who is better. You or your sister?

36. I taught your brother that thing that your mom likes.

37. Out of a possible ten, I give you a three.

38. I just thought that you had a lot of moles down there, but now I see them crawling.

39. Don’t mind the yeast taste. It’s normal.

40. I was swimming in the pond today, so… bite off any leeches you find while you’re down there.

41. I have a prolapsed uterus. Just push it back in.

42. I’ve always wanted to do it in a coffin, but maybe we should have taken the corpse out first.

43. Let’s ask your mom to join us next time.

44. Can I put some Tabasco on it first? I like my sausage/taco hot.

45. Pull that condom out of me while you’re down there. It was left there from the last guy.

46. Why does it shrivel like that ever time that I have sex with you?

47. I’ve got a cheeseburger somewhere in one of these folds of fat.

48. I just discovered a new species of crotch flea. I’ll be famous!

49. Change my tampon while you’re down there.

50. Mind if I use your shower? My next trick is in 30 minutes.

51. How many guys have you slept with… today?

52. Your snapper has bad breath.

53. You’re ugly enough to make a Mormon boy turn gay.

54. Stay here while I get my cap guns and stick horse.

55. You’re so fat that I feel like I’m making love to a water bed.

56. Damn! Have I got fleas again?

57. You dumb cow! You don’t get head lice by giving head!

58. I’ve never made love to a sober woman before.

59. Are you gay? – Only in prison.

60. This feels like throwing a hot dog down a hallway.

61. Someone wrote their phone number on the inside of your thigh. Hey! That's my dad's number!

62. If it falls off tomorrow, call me.

63. I have to poop! Oops. Too late!

64. Smile for the cameras.

65. Get off me. I'll do it myself.

66. This is your first time...right?

67. You are almost as good as my ex.

68. When is this supposed to start feeling good?

69. I thought YOU had the keys for the handcuffs.

70. Keep it down. My mother is a light sleeper.

71. Hey. My friends are right. You ARE good.

72. On second thought, lets turn the lights back off.

73. I'm sobering up and you're getting butt UGLY.

74. But everybody looks funny naked.

75. Do I have to pay for this?

76. No! You're too fat to be on top.

77. Actually, your sister likes it like this.

78. What's your name again?

79. Hold on! Let me change the channel.

80. Umm.. I think the condom broke 5 minutes ago.

81. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?

82. I hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...

83. (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!

84. Do you get any premium movie channels?

85. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!

86. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!

87. Got any penicillin?

88. But I just brushed my teeth...

89. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!

90. I learned this trick from my mom.

91. I want a baby!

92. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!

93. (in a menage a trios) Why am I doing all the work?

94. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...

95. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?

96. What tampon?

97. Any slower, and you'll be doing it backwards.

98. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!

99. You're good enough to do this for a living!

100. Is that blood on the headboard?

101. Did I remember to take my pill?

102. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?

103. I wish we got the Playboy channel...

104. That leak better be from the water bed!

105. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!

106. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow

107. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?

108. If you'd quit smoking you might have some endurance...

109. No, really... I do this part better myself!

110. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!

111. This might be fun with a few more people..

112. Do you accept Visa?

113. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?

114. Is that you I smell, or is your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?

115. You look younger than you feel.

116. Perhaps you're just out of practice.

117. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!

118. They're not cracker crumbs, I was just scratching some scabs.

119. Now I know why your ex dumped you.

120. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?

121. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.

122. I think my extension slipped off again.

123. Have you ever considered liposuction?

124. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!

125. What are you planning to make for breakfast?

126. I have a confession...

127. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!

128. Are those real or am I just behind the times?

129. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?

130. Is that a hanging sculpture?

131. You'll still vote for me, won't you?

132. Did I mention my sex-change operation?

133. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!

134. Did you cum yet, dear?

135. I'll tell you who I'm fantasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about.

136. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!

137. Does this count as a date?

138. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!

139. Hic! I'll need another beer if we're going to continue.

140. I think biting is romantic- don't you?

141. You can cook too, right?

142. When would you like to meet my parents?

143. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like.
Woman: Yourself?

144. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?

145. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.

146. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.

147. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?

148. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?

149. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.

150. After we get married, I'll only charge you half price.

151. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!

152. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!

153. Keep it down, my husband is a light sleeper.

154. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer"

155. So that's why they call you MR. Flash!

156. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!

157. Is this a sin too?

158. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!

159. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?

160. Long kisses clog my sinuses.

161. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise.

162. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?

163. You mean you're NOT my blind date?

164. Wow! With the lights on, you look just like my mom.

165. How did you get beach sand in there?

166. Hey! If I'm on top of you, who's on top of me?

167. By the way. Were you born a man, or a woman?

168. Sorry about that. Oral sex makes me vomit.

169. Umm.. remind me to take my Valtrex when we are done. I'm having an outbreak.

170. Can I pay you with coupons?

171. On second thought, maybe you should put your bra back on.

172. Hurry, before my babysitter wakes up.

173. My brother likes it this way too.

174. Would you please try to stay awake.

175. Hurry up! My contractions are only 3 minutes apart.

176. Give my ex a call. He'll show you how to rock my world.

177. Do you smell road kill?

178. Ever have a threesome with a cadaver?

179. (man) Mommy!!!!

180. Stop splashing. You'll attract the alligators.

181. Oh no! I swallowed the condom.

182. Okay, stop. It's the monkey's turn again.

183. I think you have it on backwards.

184. Quick! Pour those crickets on me.

185. Can I pay with frequent flier miles?

186. Yahtsee!

187. I smell fish. Are we near the ocean?

188. I'm having a Jerry Springer moment.

189. I like it when you Google my Yahoo.

190. Hand my wooden leg to me. I have to go walk the dog.

191. You make me wish that I was a man again.

192. I'll bet they call you 'Mr. Limpet'

193. I missed Oprah for this?

194. Could you check me for ticks while you're down there?

195. Were you in a donkey show in Tijuana? You look familiar.

196. This taco smells funny.

197. Uh oh. That wasn't KY. It was Poli-Grip!

198. Hey! Stupid! I'm over here!

199. Uhmmm... You might want to stop. My parents just walked in, and my dad looks pissed.

200. Yech. Vagisil has an aftertaste that I still haven't gotten used to. Can't you douche any better than that?

201. Oh crap! The gerbil suffocated.

202. When I see your eyes rolling around like that, I feel like I'm playing a pinball machine.

203. You moan just like Hillary Clinton. I don't like Hillary Clinton.

204. If you pretend that I'm bigger, I'll pretend that you're tighter.

205. So that's what a suppository tastes like!

206. When's the last time that you got checked for worms?

207. Is this supposed to taste like blood?

208. I think that we should start seeing other people.

209. I'll be back in 15 minutes. I could be saving a bunch of money on my car insurance.

210. Have you ever tried swimming with a brick tied to your ankle?

211. This is your lucky day. I have a hamster room!

212. Would you like butter with those crabs?

213. (man) Would you mind dressing up like Michael Jackson?

214. I've heard that women like to do it with a turkey neck.

215. I'm gonna hafta trade you in for a lower mileage woman.

216. Why are you breathing so hard? They haven't unleashed the lions yet.

217. Is that your bear?

218. Do you mind if I strap you down so that you don't run away?

219. Would you mind jerkin' my gherkin?

220. Oh Pinocchio! Lie to me! LIE TO ME!!

221. Guess what. I moonlight as Freddy Kreuger!

222. Will you please shave around your nipples?

223. If your wrinkles get any deeper, I'll be able to plant a garden.

224. Did you stuff a whole box of Kleenex into that bra?

225. Does your father have any good looking daughters?

226. Your breath smells like a used roach motel.

227. Every time that I kiss you, I'm reminded of rotting pork. Have you ever thought of brushing your teeth?

228. Wake me up when you're done so that I can hose myself out.

229. You're the second Amish hottie that I've met this week!

230. I've had more fun during an autopsy.

231. Call an ambulance! I can't get my fist out!

232. If your dog is going to lick my balls, he could at least match my rhythm.

233. (Calls friend on phone) “Hey, you owe me $20. I just banged the ugly chick from the bar”

234. (Start reciting the 10 commandments).

235. A second time? I barely stayed awake the first time!

236. Wow!! I’ve never seen those before (then grope wildly).

237. Stop moaning, you sound so stupid.

238. Is a condom supposed to be open at both ends?

239. Oops. I think I pee’d in you.

240. How about some fellatio for Horatio?

241. DIVE! DIVE! DIVE!

242. Do you know what some female spiders do after sex?

243. I think I'm gonna have diarrhea…Yep!....Thar she blows!!!

244. What are those little bumps on your chest? Oops. Sorry.

245. What? You’re done? What’ll we do for the remaining 59 minutes you paid for?

246. Is that a Medic-Alert bracelet?

247. How many olives can I fit in there?

248. I haven't had this much sex since I was a hooker!

249. Damn girl! My breasts are bigger than yours!

250. By the way, when I drove over here, I ran over your dog....

251. Let me spell it out for you, b-r-e-a-t-h m-i-n-t.

252. Now go make me a sandwich, bitch!

253. When we're finished, will you take this bag off my head?

254. Your stretch marks turn me on. They're like racing stripes.

255. Oh, but I love small penises. Really.

256. We'll try again later when you can satisfy me too.

257. Pull my finger. Wait. Pull it again.

258. That’s the best sex I’ve had since grade school.

259. No, I don't love your mind. I can't grab that!!

260. I thought you were your sister.

261. That's $20 for the first hour, right?

262. How many holes do you have down there?

263. Do you think it will grow if I water it?

264. My family wants to watch because they’ve never seen two unrelated people have sex before.

265. For some reason, lipstick on a pig comes to mind.

266. How cute... peach fuzz!

267. Okay, start...oh! that feels so... YOU'RE DONE??!!

268. Hurry up; my date will be here any minute.

269. What do you mean you're only fourteen?

270. But I wanted to bite it.

271. Meet Russel, the Love Muscle.

272. Oh Susan, Susan... I mean Donna.... shoot.

273. Sis? Is that you? I must be in the wrong room.

274. Huh? I'm sorry. I musta' fallen asleep.

275. Do you mind if I draw some blood?

276. Cellulite makes me horny.

277. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!

279. Are we alone in here? 'Cuz something is nibbling on my foot.

280. Did I forget to tell you I got worms from my cat?

281. Well I suppose that was better than being raped!

282. I hope your brother don't already have dibs on you.

283. Is this deposit FDIC insured?

284. This must be your first time, so stop licking my cat, and get over here. I'll teach you how to do it the right way.

285. That reminds me. I need to put some Vienna sausage on the shopping list.

286. Will I see you at the family reunion next week?

287. Have we got room for my horse?

288. I like it when you suck on my bunion.

289. Hey! There's something in there looking back at me!

290. Yech! I could have done without the taste of afterbirth.

291. My brother wanted to know if you brought your science notes with you.

292. Sex as a lesbian always left me feeling so empty inside.

293. Before you leave, give me your name and number.

294. Making love to a woman with no legs isn't as bad as I thought it would be.

294. Okay, the police are gone. You can start screaming again as soon as I remove this duct tape.

295. Why YES! I do only douche once a month. How did you guess?

296. Stop that! You’re not my brother!

297. Mmmmm... There's nothing like the smell of pus.

298. Wow! You're so good, I'm going to add you to the menagerie I keep locked in the basement.

299. Can this thing work as a bottle opener?

300. Try not to scream too loud when I start dismembering you.

301. This is your lucky night. I have a coupon that gets us a 2-for-1 discount on penicillin.

302. Is that barbed wire too tight?

303. No stupid! You're cranking the egg-beater the wrong way!

304. That thing is so small that I think you're going to need two extensions.

305. I think that you'll keep in the freezer 'til spring just fine.

306. Put this moth in your mouth. I saw it in a movie.

307. Hold still while I warm up the chain saw.

308. Please drug me. I don't want to remember having sex with you.

309. I think I parked the car too close to the water. We're sinking!

310. Hold these two wires while I flip the switch.

311. Your sister let me fist her.

312. You'd better hurry up if you want to beat the tsunami.

313. I don't think that having sex while bull riding is working out too well.

314. Can't you do it WITHOUT the Hamburglar costume just once in your life?

315. Why do you have earthworms in your mouth?

316. Mission Control wants to know why we turned the cameras off.

317. Is that a turd in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?

318. Ooouuuuch!!! Didn't your mother ever tell you this is the ONE time that you NEVER chew before swallowing!!

319. Smear this pudding on your ass before we start.

320. Have you ever heard of felonious foreplay?

321. I can hear an echo in there.

322. Did I forget to tell you that I put super glue on the butt plug?

323. Wow! You come with a built-in thermador for my cigar.

324. You'll have to get your own self off. I'm going to watch TMZ.

325. I've never seen a woman do THAT before. You put in an avocado, and out comes guacamole.

326. I'm going to be out of town for three weeks, so put this chastity belt on.

327. Alright. Your break's over. Now get back to cleaning the pool, or I'll call Immigration.

328. Cool! SWAT's here. Now we can make love to the sound of gunfire.

329. Making love to you is like trying to milk a badger.

330. I didn't say that you could stop scrubbing the floor.

331. You're so boring, I think that I'll paint my toenails while I wait for you to finish.

332. Hold up a minute. My boyfriend's texting me. He says the scope on his new rifle works great. I wonder what he meant by that?

333. Your screen name should be 'FlacidInLakePlacid'.

334. Not so hard! You'll knock the trailer off the blocks.

335. It's looks bent. Did you sprain it?

336. I thought floppies were obsolete, but I see you still have one.

337. I drank a pint of whiskey, and you're still ugly.

338. My lawyer's stopping by your office tomorrow with the divorce papers.

338. All I can say after a performance like that is to delete my number from your phone.

339. Send in the rest of the football team. I'm on the clock.

340. I think that some of my grand kids went to school with you.

341. Maybe you should try Extra-Strength Viagra.

341. Do these Depends make me look sexy?

342. Sex would be a little better if you would wash off that crusty stuff.

343. TeeHee. My fleas tickle.

344. It'd be a lot easier to pretend you're not ugly, if I hadn't seen you first.

345. You're lucky that I have low standards.

346. Hmmm... I wonder if I can fit your body into a duffel bag.

347. Ewww!! What's this gooey green stuff? Oh... That's from me?

348. Grab your lighter. Let's see if we can light one of my farts.

349. I thought that you had shaved down there, but now I see that you have mange.

350. I'm thinking of divorcing you, and marrying my vibrator.

351. The ladle's stuck. I can't get it out!!

352. I thought it was funny that you shaved yourself down there to look like a skunk, but now I've discovered that you smell like one too.

353. Why won't you do any of that stuff in your video with me?

354. Why are we both wearing strap-ons?

355. Is a 'Dirty Sanchez' supposed to drip like this?

356. You'll find it easier to breathe WITHOUT the full body condom.

357. Shouldn't we both be in the same room?

358. A cucumber is a better choice than a cactus.

359. If you put it in a toaster, of course you're going to get shocked.

360. And to think, I could have had a V8.

361. A coffee mug, a phone book, and jumper cables. I don't get it. What is the mug for?

362. You Idiot! You're supposed to stick your FINGER into a Chinese FINGER puzzle. Duh!

363. If you hadn't taken so much Viagra, you wouldn't have to wait so long to get it out of the trombone.

364, I always giggle before I puke. Next time you'll know better.

365. <sniff><sniff><sniff> Mmmmmm. You've got fresh chiggers. Don't cha?

366. Here. Sign this prenuptial.

367. You're only slightly better than a vibrator with dead batteries.

368. Okay. Start the 3-minute egg timer.

369. Uh Oh. My pet raccoon is acting like he smells fish.

370. So you need foreplay first? How's that workin' out for you ?

371. Wow!! Your body shape really changes when you take off that girdle. Where did your waist go?

372. What's that rattling noise? You keep sex toys in your prosthetic leg?

373. Could you pull out the potato before you stick me in?

374. I'd rather date a zombie than do it with you again.

375. What do you mean 'MORE'? I've got BOTH fists in already!!!

376. You remind me of a musical instrument. The 'Whore-monica'!!!

377. Can you validate my parking?

378. You've got the sexiest rotten teeth I've ever seen. Now kiss me!!

379. I just found where your dentures were hiding.

380. Your version of foreplay is more like snore-play.

381. If you're going to get diarrhea every night, could you please get up and use the bathroom instead of the sheets.

382. I'm sorry, but the only thing that gets me into the mood is robot porn.

383. I just stuck my thumb drive into your USB port. Are you plug-n-play ready?

384. Why do you wanna have sex every time it floods and catches us floating down the river in our trailer?

385. I don't care if you have a germ phobia. I'm not scrubbing my thang with a toothbrush and cleanser.

386. Wow! You really are a woman. I thought that you were just a very hairy drag queen.

387. Mmmmm. Just the thought of clown sex is enough to make me orgasm.

388. I see that not everything on a dwarf is small.

389. Muskrat Love was just a song. Now put that thing back in its cage!

390. I'm like an M'n'M. I melt in your mouth, and not in your hand.

391. Have you bathed yet this week?

392. Just pretend that it's a Pudding Pop.

393.. Warn me the next time you are going to orgasm like that, so I can put on my rain gear and start bailing.

394. Why are you texting me? I'm right here in front of you!

395. Have you ever looked into a mirror, and not broken it?

396. I was laying pipe, and all I discovered was gas!

397. What's with the Captain Kangaroo haircut?

398. Take your fingers out. I will NOT wave my arms like a hand puppet.

399. If you would brush your teeth, I wouldn't vomit all over your face.

400. The TeleTubbies costume just isn't doing it for me.

401. Are you sure it's safe to swim naked in the shark tank while I'm having my period?

402. Is Master Bayshun your Kung Fu teacher?

403. Why are you making those horse sounds while we're doing it?

404. So...When are you planning to go home? If you leave now, you can catch the bus, cuz I'm not paying for a taxi.

405. You'd better be as good as the football team said you were.

406. Oh Sally, oh Sally ... I love you.... the girl: My name is Sandy. My twin sister is Sally....

407. Awwwww. It's so cute! Does it get any bigger?

408. Thanks. Now go get me a beer.

409. I can't seem to find it. Are you sure you're a guy?

410. Why is it shaped like a corkscrew?

411. Can you paint yourself blue and talk like Smurfette?

412. What's with the monkey and the stopwatch?

413. What an interesting fragrance. You're wearing 'Eau-de-roadkill'?

414. Ooooh Nooooo... Premature Ejaculation... Let me see if there's an iPhone app for that.

415. I think that poking that into the fan is going to hurt more than you think it will.

416. Do I get a discount with my AARP card?

417. I'll take a Dollar Store whore over a beautiful woman any day.

418. Wow! That was great!! So, how about tomorrow night? Your trailer.. or my trailer?

419. After a performance like that, I'm going down to the pawn shop and getting my vibrator out of hock.

420. I'm promoting you from weekend whore to weekDAY whore!

421. Want to share a mint oil enema with me?

422. Foreplay? Are you kidding me? Just shut up and spread 'em. You're lucky I even bathed this week.

423. Before we start, I'd like you to sign this pre-coitus agreement that my lawyer had made up. It's just for your protection and mine.

424. Ummmm.... To make this work, we're going to need a stronger vacuum cleaner.

425. I credit my stamina to eating a pound of meal worms every day.

426. When you told me that your muscles were so strong that you could snap a carrot in half, I didn't believe you. But now, after seeing it with my own eyes, I'm afraid to have sex with you.

427. Every time that someone mentions Nancy Pelosi, it shrivels up for a whole week. It's a curse that all men suffer from.

428. What's all of this cottage cheese looking stuff? It doesn't taste like cottage cheese.

429. Can I look forward to you disappointing me like this for the rest of my life?

430. Is this your time of the month, or did you have a very bad shaving accident?

431. Keep searching. You'll find it.

432. Me Papa-san. Me love you long time.

433. Let me introduce you to my tire swing.

434. When I snap my fingers, you'll awaken refreshed and feeling contented. You won't remember anybody from the basketball team having been here tonight. You won't remember anything that happened tonight.

435. Well officer, things were going pretty good until he stopped moving. So, I uncrossed my legs and discovered that he had suffocated.

436. I have a bit of a sweet tooth, so I modified my artificial arm to also be a Pez dispenser.

437. I think that french kissing your tracheotomy is incredibly sexy.

438. I feel like getting down and dirty. Let's go have sex in the pig wallow.

439. I put my cell phone on vibrate. See if you can text me to orgasm.

440. Now look at the mirror over there, and say "I just got Punk'd"

441. Dang! My vibrator's out of batteries. Hand me that electric toothbrush.

442. Guess what. I'm wearing a Nutella flavored condom.

443. Dammit! I was afraid your face would be the one I'd see when I sobered up.

444. You'd better get your kissin' in now. You never know when I might have another herpes outbreak.

445. Wow! Either you just had an attack of erectile dysfunction, or I need to brush my teeth.

446. Here. Put on these glasses. I have a thing for librarians.

447. Hop on up into my truck missy. We have 100 miles of bumpy highway ahead, and I know just he way that you can pay for your ride.

448. You haven't taught me anything that I hadn't already learned when I was an alter boy.

449. If it weren't for the arms and legs, I'd think that you were a manatee.

450. Giggity giggity goo.

451. Tie this plastic bag over your head, and this'll go a lot quicker.

452. Stay here while I go get a few more victims.

453. Well, I'm going to tell people that I lost my virginity anyway.

454. Do you happen to have an extra body bag in your closet?

455. Hey! Stop laughing! It's not my fault. It's cold here in my mom's basement. Try blowing on it.

456. Well, if you're not going to do it right, then send in you sister. I KNOW she can rock my world

457. Your dingleberries tinkle when I blow on them.

458. Your lovemaking is so robotic that I'm always afraid you'll blue screen on me.

459. I wonder what will happen if I shove a half dozen Mentos in there.

460. Wow! That was a great ride. So...ummm....just how often do you have epileptic fits?

461. You're the first woman I've dated that looked like Don Rickles.

462. If you get all of your teeth pulled out, you'll make the perfect wife.

463. Let's call this 'physical therapy' so I can deduct it on my taxes.

464. Hey. Weed my front yard before you leave to go home.

465. That smile on your face was made possible by me watching Animal Planet.

466. You're taking your love of American Idol too far. Why are your mom and dad here in our bedroom judging our performance?

467. Keep your back straight and level! I'm trying to eat my dinner, and I don't want my drink to spill.

468. Stop squirming. I only have one grenade.

469. I don't care if you dip it in honey. I'm not licking it until you take a bath!

470. I've been thinking about how beautiful you are, and the only thing that comes to mind is 'Old English Leather'.

471. Ummm.... About your face lift. Can you get your money back?

472. Let's hurry this up. I have a date with your best friend in a half hour, and I think I'm going to get lucky tonight.

473. You need to double up on your beauty sleep, 'cuz from this close up, you're lookin' rough.

474. Roll over on to your stomach. Your breath is smelling really nasty.

475. Sooooweeee!!!!

476. If your breasts sag any more, you'll start lookin' like a man with really big balls.

477. When I first met you, I wasn't sure whether you were a man, or a woman. I'm still not sure.

478. So... those Billy Bob buck teeth aren't fake?

479. That 'kielbasa' that you were bragging about having looks more like a cocktail wienie.

480. You interrupted my game of solitaire for this!?

481. When I was drunk, you looked like an asian beauty, but now that I'm sober, you look more like Howdy Doody.

482. What!?!? I invited three of your girlfriends over because when you said that you wanted me to improve my foreplay, I thought that you wanted me to get used to doing it with four women. I'm only trying to make YOU happy!

483. You're so out of shape that the only way I can tell which direction you're facing is by looking at which direction your toes are pointing.

484. I think you should talk to your doctor about adjusting your hormone replacement medication. But right now, you should go back into the bathroom and shave your breasts. They have a five o'clock shadow.

485. I'm the last girl in my 9th grade class to lose my virginity.

486. You might want to quit your job at the nuclear power plant. Your implants are glowing.

487. Oh good. You're conscious again. While you were passed out, I drew smiley faces on your boobs, but I could only find a magic marker

488. Good sex always makes me hungry for collie stew. Have you got a crock-pot?

489. You're way prettier than all those women in my porn video collection.

490. Do you think that we could have a threesome with your mom, and your grandmother?

491. Would you like some 'moa' of my boa?

492. Uh oh. Gotta go. My ankle bracelet is beeping. My parole officer is going to be looking for me.

493. You're going to have to go easy on me. My pacemaker battery was made in China.

494. Did there happen to be a few turds floating in your gene pool?

495. I said that I like to make love to EMO music, not ELMO music.

496. You can never have too much horsepower when it comes to sex toys.

497. I've had a hard time making love on a beach ever since my bad experience with a naughty hermit crab.

498. Can we make love in a bathtub full of butter beans?

499. Turn to my webcam and wave goodbye to everybody.

500. Promise me that you'll stop sleeping with my sister after we get married.

501. Now we both have herpes!!

502. Have you been eating broccoli and spinach all day long?

503. I thought that I'd better warn you now. I have a bad urination problem whenever I sleep with another person.

504. Why yes, I do love my computer more than you. Have you got a problem with that?

505. Wow!! That's one hell of a big taco!

506. I get the feeling that a hundred men have climbed this mountain before me.

507. I love it when you twitter my clitter.

508. I invited a bunch of my emo friends to come live with us. I told them you wouldn't mind cooking and doing their laundry for them.

509. Now that I'm going to be pregnant, we need to buy a minivan, and a 'Baby on Board' sign.

510. Now I remember where I've seen you before. You were on an episode of Jerry Springer where you brought your boyfriend on TV to tell him that you were once a man... Oh shit!

511. Titty Twister!!

512. We don't have any clean bowls, so can I use your stomach for my popcorn?

513. You haven't been using that package of expired birth control pills in the cupboard have you?

514. This is the 6th time I've lost my virginity.... this year.

515. You've been binging on sauerkraut again, haven't you?

516. Don't mind the farts. They'll dissipate by morning.

517. Hey. Instead of getting two implants, do me a special favor, and get THREE!

518. Okay. I'm done. Now hurry up and go home. I have some strippers coming over in 15 minutes.

519. I asked you out because I have a goiter fetish.

520. Oh. I meant to tell you not to drink the punch at the party this evening. One of the caterers urinated in it.

521. My body fluids are considered a bio-hazard in 37 countries. But luckily, not in this country.

522. That wasn't vaseline you put on me. It was ICY HOT!!

523. Hmmm... Well. I guess those aren't too bad looking.... If they are Dollar Store implants!

524. You might want to wear some rain gear to bed. I suffer from chronic projectile diarrhea when I sleep.

525. Here come the paparazzi. Give them a big smile before you zip me up!

526. I don't need a condom. I bought these male birth control pills on the Internet, and the e-mail message said that they are guaranteed to work. And what's really cool is that they are disguised as a package of Tic-Tacs. I've been using them for two weeks now and I haven't gotten a single girl pregnant.

527. Spread 'em wide. I have some chlamydia for Lydia.

528. You're almost as fine as the girl I had here last night.

529. My boyfriend called today to tell me that he gave me gonorrhea. So... you might want to see a doctor tomorrow.

530. So that's what genital warts look like.

531. You must have swine flu, because you are too fat to get the regular flu.

532. I would ask you to stay for the night, but my wife will be getting home soon, and she gets kind of homicidal towards my girlfriends.

533. Be very silent when you climax, so the vampires don't find us.

534. Here comes my choo-choo train.

535. I hear it might rain tomorrow.

536. Did you remember to take out the trash?

537. That was 'Great', but let's try celibacy for a while.

538. I wonder why I haven't heard back from my doctor about my chlamydia test.

539. I'm going to stop shaving and go all natural from now on.

540. I don't do oral. Surprise! I'm Vegan!

541. How do you like my 'hot rod'? Hurt like a bitch when I had flames tattooed onto it.

542. I call those 'speed bumps'. They're from when I had an extra inch grafted on to it.

543. If you were any more frigid, I'd have to chip the icicles off of your nipples.

544. Now that we are married, can we get rid of the sheep in the bedroom?

545. I don't normally have sex with live women, so please don't move while I make love. And try not to breathe, it creeps me out.

546. Please don't laugh, but I'm 35, still live with my mom, and I sleep in a crib. I hope that you don't mind sleeping on plastic sheets.

547. Why do you have an 'Applause' sign mounted over your bed?

548. Umm....my dad asked if he can see you in a thong.

549. This isn't working out too well. Let's go back to text message sex.

550. This just wasn't meant to be. I'm premenstrual, and you're premature.

551. This next part gets pretty rough, so let me call in a stunt whore.